


Dedicate your heart

by Kaydalen



Series: Devote your hearts [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Drama & Romance, F/F, Female Reader, Gender-Neutral Hange Zoë, Other, Reader-Insert, Season 3 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:01:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28136610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaydalen/pseuds/Kaydalen
Summary: "No worse hell I hoped there would beThe worst day for mankind is nearAll that I have loved is fadingAll I have embraced"Hange is questioning their motivations.
Relationships: Hange Zoë & Reader, Hange Zoë/Reader
Series: Devote your hearts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108616
Comments: 10
Kudos: 60
Collections: aot need to read





	Dedicate your heart

**Author's Note:**

> Just a small One Shot to distract me from the long fanfiction I'm writing about them. Something I wouldn't include in the main story, cause it's pretty angsty, but I still wanted to write it down. 
> 
> Hange is gender neutral, Reader is female. There won't be any placeholders for names I'm seeing in all the other Reader insert stories, because I find them very distracting. I try to use nicknames or simple pronouns to refer to the Reader, to not disturb the flow of reading.

"This is it, isn't it?"

You didn't even have to turn your head to see who was approaching you, standing firmly beside you on top of the Wall Maria protecting Shiganshina, facing the dozen dark silhouettes of titans on the horizon. Still, nearly calm, but restless at the same time. Threatening. The enormous beast Titan in their midst towered them all, a slender arm lazily scratching his ear. They observed you and your fellow soldiers like the hunter it's prey. Not quite ready to strike, but watchful of every move.

Goosebumps traveled up your arms, your neck, until it seemed to be tickling your scalp.

"Yeah", Hange breathed, "This is it." You had trouble catching their words, which nearly got stuck in their throat. Your fingers tightened the grip on the little patch of wings stitched to your uniform jacket; a proof of your service, a proof of your devotion. After all these years the emblem was tattered and patchy, the bright colors faded, now painted with dry blood. It was a quite poor attempt of a salute you had tried to offer your Section Commander and for a brief moment shame overpowered the very concise fear controlling your thoughts.

"I wish you  
_didn't have to go."_

_Hange barely managed to tear their eyes away from the pages of the book they had been absorbed in for the last few hours as your words shattered the silence. Chocolate colored hair framed their face baring a curious expression. Their 3D maneuver gear had mostly been peeled of their body, straps dangling from their shoulders, softly clinging as they shifted their weight._  
_"Pardon, what did you say?"_  
_You were aware you had muttered these words under your breath, talking to yourself rather than to your partner sitting on the bed next to you. The only thing separating your body's was a pile of paper and books and ink you both had been sharing tonight. Finishing your mission reports together had been a habit you wouldn't want to miss anymore._

_A blush crept up your neck and the fingers clutching the quill were shaking, resulting in a very horrible execution of your signature on the front page of your last missions report. Suddenly you had been sucked dry of all the confidence which had caused you to let these words slip in the first place. Suddenly you were not so sure anymore if you really wanted to have this conversation, really wanted to let this rather serious topic dampen the lazy mood, but at the same time you felt yourself going more crazy by the day by bottling it up._

_You took a deep shaky breath._

_"I said, I wish you didn't have to attend this stupid mission tomorrow", you repeated your words, much more audible this time and dared to shoot the Section Commander a glance, "It smells fishy and I don't like it."_  
_"Now, now, shorty", they cackled, obviously not reading the room and a soft smirk rested on their lips, "Is that distrust in my abilities, that I can hear there?"_  
_"Would you stop calling me that?", you couldn't help but remark, "The Captain wants his nickname back, think of another one."_  
_"But I find it more fitting for this Captain right here."_  
_"I'm not a Captain yet and you know that."_  
_"Won't be much longer though."_  
_"Could you please stop changing the subject?" With a strong and frustrated lunge you toppled the small tower of documents in between your midst and scattered them on the dirty floor._

_Silence._

_Your hand, which had been holding the quill until just a second ago, now clenched to a fist. Your heart was close to penetrating and breaking right through your ribcage, if it pounded just a little harder. Eyes focusing the Section Commander, who's face bore a surprised, maybe shocked, expression. Splatters of blue ink decorated their white shirt. The abandoned straps of their gear had slid down their shoulders and onto the mattress._

_Their playful banter used to be refreshing and usually cheered you up, but right in this moment you felt like they weren't taking you and your worries seriously. But now, that you had caught their undivided attention with your sudden outburst, which had quite surprised you yourself, you couldn't help but let the words run of your mouth._

_"Every time you leave", you confessed, your eyes now focused on the floor decorated with your work from the last hours, rather than on the face of your best friend and partner, "I'm scared you won't make it back, Hange. I'm downright terrified. That one day, you won't be sitting on top of your horse, with just a pair of bruises and that stupid smile, but laying in one of those damned carts underneath some white sheets."_

_You had tried to control your emotions as much as possible, but as soon as you started to imagine this scenario in your head again, hot tears burned in the corner of your eyes and your throat escaped a sob you weren't able to contain. These thoughts had occupied your mind for way too long. These fears held your heart hostage since the day you had noticed those budding feelings you were developing for your superior - which they would never return. Life and Death, Failure and Victory - before every mission the Survey Corps ventured on someone seemed to be rolling the dice to decide what the Titans and their horrors had in store for them this time._

_And again and again you feared to see the outcome._

_"Or rather what's left of you."_

_Your mind pushed a picture of a bloodied and broken corpse right before your very eyes. Glasses shattered, strands of hair drenched in blood clinging to their forehead. Eyes empty, their spark gone. Staring up at the blue sky._

_Hange didn't answer._

_"I wouldn't know how to go on. Without you."_

_You didn't mean to say it. Not like that. Voice heavy with affection, heavy with love._  
_You didn't mean to lay your heart and emotions out bare in front of them._  
_You didn't mean, didn't want to, feel so vulnerable and embarrassed. But at the same time a small part of you was relieved. To finally be free of it. Of the fear and the pain, the guilt of hiding these words behind a wall, the worry to be chaining them down with shame and insecurity, until Hange wasn't there to hear them anymore._

_The light of the flickering candle on the bedside table reflected the Section Commanders spotted glasses. Then their lips curled to a sad smile._

_" -your heart." Quietly, barely audible._  
_"Pardon?"_  
_"Dedicate your heart", they repeated, clearer this time, "Be ready to die for the sake of humanity. That's what we agreed to when we joined the Survey Corps, right?"_  
_A defeated sigh escaped their lips. Their voice was firm, but their eyes signaled some kind of inner conflict. "What we do is so much bigger than our life's. If I have to die to launch humanity just a step forward, then I'm more than ready to do so."_  
_Your fingers grasped the winged patch right above your heart as it skipped a beat at their words. Your head started spinning. Deep within your heart you knew that they were right._  
_"I understand." Defeat and worry colored your voice, "I'm ... I'm sorry I brought it up."_  
_"Don't be. I didn't say I was asking for it. None of us is, right?"_

_Slender fingers suddenly brushed your chin and gently angled it upwards. As soon as your eyes met their dark orbs, swirling with emotions you weren't quite able to place, you broke out in cold sweat. A smile still rested on their lips._  
_"Thank you for telling me", they whispered, thumb brushing over your skin and it felt like they were setting it on fire, "That was rather heartwarming coming from you, I have to admit."_  
_"Jerk", you croaked and desperately tried to get rid of this lump caught in your throat._  
_Hanges features softened._  
_"I used to think a lot about what it would feel like", they shared, "To not only be ready to live and die for the cause, but to fight to stay alive for someone you care about. To not only have a reason to leave the walls, but to have a reason to come back."_  
_Your faces were dangerously close, foreheads almost touching and you could have sworn strains of their messy hair tickled your skin. They smelled like ash and damp wood._  
_"And lately it's all I can think about. It's really ... messing up this whole 'Dedicate your heart' thing. I guess that makes me a hypocrite."_  
_"Does that mean there is someone like that for you?", you dared to ask, strongly hypnotized by your superior being this close your mind barely registered these words leaving your mouth._

_"Guess."_

_Slowly Hange closed the distance between you to catch your lips in a kiss._

You barely noticed those words leaving your mouth, voice breaking right at the last syllable. As much as you wanted to lock your eyes with your partner right next to you, their body seemingly emitting a warmth you carved so badly, you wouldn't want them to notice. To notice the fear in your eyes, your quivering lip, the furrowed brows. To hear the fear scratching at the insides of your mind, crying out for help.

You had been dating for some time now, had grown older, wiser, yet still nothing had changed.

"Me too."

A hand brushed yours, fingers reaching out and lacing with yours to give a comforting squeeze. You could barely contain the tears burning in your eyes.

Erwin had just given the command, there was no turning back. Hange would join the Squad appointed to fight inside of Shiganshina, while you would lead the defense of your horses, your only escape route, with Levi right on the other side of the wall. Directly facing the Beast Titan and his army. You weren't sure if he had noticed how much it had pained you to agree, to follow his orders, to trust his decision, while you clearly had spotted the worry swirling in his eyes.

But it pained you the most to be separated from Hange with the stakes being this high.

For what it felt like hours you didn't speak, acted like the desperation and the panic, the fear of the unknown, the fear of death, wasn't able to face you. Though so many thoughts occupied your mind, were swirling around in your head, so many words left to say, yet you couldn't manage to even form one sentence out of them you wouldn't be embarrassed to say out loud. They were cheesy. Stupid even. 'Please don't die', 'Don't do anything stupid', 'I will miss you', 'Stay with me'. It wouldn't feel right. You didn't want to treat this moment like some sort of goodbye.

"It will turn out alright."

Hange was the first one to speak again and as you finally shot them a glance you noticed their stern face focusing the Titan army on the horizon. "Erwin has a plan, he always has." They forced a small smile on their lips. "Besides, he knows better than to not watch out for my favorite Captain."

With these words they managed to draw out a quiet laugh from your throat. "Which Captain are we talking about?"

"Guess."

Memories came crashing down on you as their shaky voice repeated those very words from that special evening they had confessed to you. It held so many memories, so many emotions, not only for you, but for them as well, so it was no surprise you witnessed them nearly choking on them. And just like back then the Section Commander brought their face closer to yours, cheeks meeting and planted a kiss to the corner of your lips. Their open displays of affection never failed to draw a reaction from you, so you let out a quiet sigh, finally managed to loosen the fist still curled to a silent salute and reached out instead to hold their face in place for a brief second, fingers gently caressing skin.

Hange let out a quiet hum of approval and properly caught your lips this time. Fire spread from your face down your entire body, caused your limps to tingle. A hand slid around your waist to pull you closer, to feel more of you, but before you could loose yourself in the sensation and forget where you were, a gunshot reminded you quite painfully of the cruel reality. The green flare passed both of your forms, being shot from someone at the very bottom of the wall, the shell trailing a tail of bright particles showering you. With this signal the Survey Corps soldiers awoke from their daze, readying equipment, restraining horses, getting ready to fight.

Getting ready to die.

Reluctantly the Section Commander and you separated, though your hands were still clasped together. Even though they had tried to cheer your up you were able to spot the fear, the worry, in their eyes as well, which caused you to feel uneasy again. Restless.

You took a deep breath and slowly freed your fingers from Hange's gentle grasp to stand tall. With force your fist beat your chest in a firm salute. "Dedicate your heart!" Back then in your room hearing these words from Hange felt right, but now, on the battlefield, you couldn't help but feel like mimicking the Commander.

At first your partner was surprised, shocked even, hearing you shout these words colored with deep meaning for the both of you. You were sure they would remember, were sure they would get what you were trying to convey, since you were unable to speak those very words yourself.

Let me be the reason for you to come back.

After the hesitation was gone a hand grabbed tightly onto their jacket, jaw grinding, a foot finding a more secure stance, eyes swimming in tears.

"Dedicate your heart!"

Hange gripped the rein of their horse tighter as they navigated through debris, pools of blood, broken down equipment and dismembered bodies. Empty eyes staring, bloody hands with not enough fingers pointing accusingly. Their stomach was close to turning, but they couldn't allow to tune out the countless corpses of fallen Survey Corpse soldiers, as much as they wanted to. They were forced to look, they had to examine, had to face death and their own burning guilt and fear.

A suicide mission.

Erwin had sacrificed every last one of his soldiers, including himself, to give Levi an opportunity to kill the Beast Titan. They had been obliterated fast. Torn to shreds by a devastating rain of crushed boulders. There was nothing they could have done, there hadn't been enough time since they had been fighting their own cruel battles right on the other side of the wall.

Everyone had been unaware of what had happened until it was already too late.

The Section Commander wasn't sure if she had already known when she had saluted to them so proudly, so forcefully; or was it desperation? Suddenly they couldn't tell anymore. Had her face shown fear for them or her own life? Maybe both? Had her hands in theirs been shaking and been drenched in cold sweat because she was very much aware it would be the last time they would be able to feel each other?

They felt dizzy. Sick. Anxiety clouded their mind and their sight and their empty eye socket throbbed painfully, blood seeped through the bandages, running down their cheek. She couldn't be dead. She couldn't be. Not after everything they had been through. Not after everything they had done to return to her. Before they had met things had been easier, simpler. Live and die for the cause, live and die for humanity. The Survey Corps' success, as small as it might be, will make sure your death would never be in vain. And they had been fine with that. Had even embraced it. Had jumped on every opportunity to be reckless, to be careless, just to achieve a sliver of information, just to kill one of countless Titans.

But then their priorities had shifted as she had been thrust in their life. Suddenly it felt wrong to leave the walls and being prepared to die. Suddenly they were more concerned about this person they left behind if they perished, than putting their life on the line for a mission already doomed to fail. Was it wrong? Was it treason? But why had it felt so right then every time they returned to watch this relieved smile curl her lips as soon as she spotted them among the soldiers. How she tried to make it look casual as she approached them, greeted them with a bad joke they scolded themselves for not remembering. How her hand felt when she reached out just to make sure they were really back.

It had truly felt like coming home and not just downtime until the next mission.

Now everything was about to turn for the worst. Even with Bertholdt dead and Reiner severely crippled, Erwin and most of the scouts were dead. The responsibility as well as the burden of rebuilding now rested on their own shoulders, as the chain of command demanded. Hange Zoe, the next Commander. They caught themselves imagining if she would approve of it. They guessed she would probably just laugh and joke about them having to be more careful now where and in front of who they publicly displayed their affection - something they both usually couldn't help. Meaningful looks in the dining hall, fingers, hands and knees brushing under the table, stolen kisses during practice.

Hange would agree at first, of course, swear solemnly even, but then take every opportunity possible to make her feel embarrassed in front of her peers, just to see that shy smile of hers. "You are the worst", she would scold them, but not fight against the arm circling her waist, the chin on her shoulder, secretly reveling in the attention, her heart bursting with pride to be the person the Commander called to be closest to.

Why were they remembering all these things now? Why were they daydreaming in a moment like that? It's not like it was over, it wasn't like they wouldn't meet again. It wasn't like all these things were not able to happen anymore. Them and what was left of the Survey Corps would find her, they surely wouldn't leave without her. She was just hurt, buried underneath derbies, probably already waiting to be rescued by Hange cause she couldn't do it herself, their strength devoured by the lengthy and cruel battle they had to endure. Even if this thought alone was already enough to cause them to shiver, they couldn't lose hope. Surely they would patch her up, they would -

"Commander Hange."

The stern voice of a soldier brought them back to reality and they followed the sound to watch him stand not too far on the very edge of the battlefield, close to were the Beast Titan had waited to make his move. Only very few had made it this far out, because it had meant to dodge countless attacks and suffer through countless deaths of fellow soldiers again and again. The top of the spear. The best of the best.

And still destined to perish.

Hanges stomach turned as they dismounted and closed the distance on legs who were refusing their services.

One step.  
Two.  
One breath.  
And another.

An invisible force drove their knees right in the mud next to the battered up corpse their eye was glued to.  
They didn't want to look.  
They didn't want to see it.  
They didn't want to remember her like that, with one arm ripped out of her shoulder, her torso torn to shreds by sharp chunks of stone, dying in the pool of her own blood and guts. Eyes empty and drained of every last bright spark they had used to hold. Mouth forming a silent scream.

Hanges vision blurred. Tears which formed in their eye protected them from the horrible sight which was their fallen lover.  
Protected them for a little while from the pain that started to form in their abdomen.

But in the end couldn't conceal the sight of the winged patch she ripped of her own uniform clutched tightly in her fist.

**Author's Note:**

> It was my first time trying a Reader-insert, feel free to tell me what you think.
> 
> Also I'm curious if anyone ever spots all the Mass Effect romance references I tend to put into like all of my fanfictions.


End file.
